the seven incidents of
by ohbabyitscherry
Summary: Class 3Z-verse. An anthology of Kagura and Okita interactions, split into seven chronological parts. "Ew, something stinks in here." —OkiKagu
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** the seven incidents of  
**Author:** cherryshotgun  
**Pairing:** OkitaKagura  
**Rating:** T (because idk)  
**Warnings**: A rather crappy rendition of the Gintama 3Z-verse. And bad grammar. Prolly some spelling as well.  
**Word count:** 638  
**Disclaimer:** Do not own. D'awwwwww.

* * *

_i. introductions_

Because it brings about a whole new level of lame, Kagura sneers.

It's the first day of high school, and the class made a whole round of introductions. Class 1-Z was definitely going to one heck of a lively class, no doubt about that, but what stood out the most were the occupants of said class.

She _so_ does not want to be associated with that Gorilla, Kagura decides. Her Papi once said that Gorillas in Japan carry a disease that would make your testicles sag like the old vegetable vendor's boobs. It is totally not funny. What are testicles anyway?

Kagura lost all interest on what her classmates have got to say about their grubby selves after the purple-hair S&M freak established her favourite roleplay positions (what is roleplay? Kagura wonders) and extending her invitation for Ginpachi-sensei to partake in her nightly shenanigans, thus effectively making said homeroom teacher choke on his totally-not-a-cigarette lollipop and causing everyone in the room to feel uncomfortable.

Ginpachi-sensei coughed a little after the little hiccup in the introductions, but regained his composure after a few moments.

"Alright, I'm totally not interested in what all of you have got to say, but the principal's gonna confiscate my Jump issues if I don't carry out my duties, so let's have Zura introduce himself next –"

"It's not Zura! It's Katsura!" Katsura seethed, and the shady duck-looking character next to him nodded in approval.

"Well, whatever, just get on with what you gotta say –"

The classroom door slid open, cutting Ginpachi off mid-speech.

"Sorry for being late, sensei. I was helping an old lady cross the road," the new guy deadpanned.

"Ah, nice of you to join us, Souichirou-kun," Ginpachi-sensei acknowledged casually, gesturing towards an empty seat, ergo, the one next to Kagura. 'Souichirou' merely shrugged, and maneuvered his way towards his assigned seat.

Hah, like she could care less, Kagura thinks as she chewed on her sukonbu which she snuck in too easily, studying the newcomer. He looks as boring as Megane, she concludes, and turned her attention back to her sukonbu. Sukonbu is delicious, it's heavenly, it is definitely Edo's number one sna –

"Ew, something stinks in here," Boring guy wrinkled his nose in distaste and glanced down at Kagura.

Kagura widened her cerulean eyes in shock at his sudden and atrocious comment. A piece of sukonbu hung ungraciously at the corner of her mouth. He. Did. Not. Just.

Said boy continued to wrinkle his nose, even going as far as to pinch it lightly, making a dramatic show on how God-darned the smell is.

"China, I'd suggest you brush your teeth. Even better, don't eat that dog food ever again. Thanks, for the benefit of myself, considering that I'll be sitting next to you." His voice was nasal from pinching his nose, which made Kagura want to punch the daylights out of him even more so.

Oh, Kagura does not _want_ to do something. She does it immediately.

It was chaos in a matter of seconds.

"Children, children, if you want to fight, do it in a sumo ring! I don't want my Jump to get confiscated!" Ginpachi-sensei yelled across the hubba, successfully pulling the thrashing girl off a bloodied 'Souichiro'.

He wiped the blood from his nose with the back of his wrist, ignoring the motherly worries from Kondo and snorts of amusement from Hijikata, and glared at China pointedly. She returned a similar glare, adding a flick of a booger from her nostril for extra measures.

He smirks, and Kagura is reminded of the photos of those perverted mass-killers she always sees in the newspapers that her Papi always reads and uses to clean his poo when they've run out.

Sadist. She glared even harder, as his smirk spread wider. He's a sadist.

It definitely was a day of introductions.

* * *

**note_** i totally have no idea what just possessed me to churn this out. Well. Enjoy?  
**note2_** meant to be upped on Okita's birthday but since i'm a new user...=_=  
**note3_**i'm also reaaaally rusty on the Gintama fandom since i'm too lazy to torrent the new episodes, but, well, there's always gintama wiki, amirite? :)

***note4_** like omg. omg. major omg. I just freaking realised that I kept misspelling/understanding Ginpachi as Gintoki D: But it's so confusing! so, do i refer to him as 'Ginpachi' or 'Gintoki' from now on? UGH! *rampage mode* I feel like a total dumbass now ._.  
also, you guys might feel that this chapter's a lil short. Take it as a drabble, yeah? (i promise the next one would be much longer than this).

(I should be studying three subjects for tomorrow's examinations but _no_.)


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** the seven incidents of  
**Author:** cherryshotgun  
**Pairing:** OkitaKagura, if you squint hard enough.  
**Warnings:** bad humour. and pardon my grammar.  
**Word count:** 1942  
**Disclaimer:** disclaimed.

* * *

**ii**_**  
**__free rides_

Kagura stared at what remains of her bicycle, before kicking Megane in the shins. Hard.

"Ow! Kagura-chan! What the heck was that for!" Shinpachi howled, hopping about on his left leg and nursing his right shin in agony.

"You destroyed my bicycle!" Kagura shrieked and flailed her arms wildly, eyes blazing a dangerous hue of azure and promising a slow, painful death. "My _bicycle_! How am I ever going to get to school now?"

"That's right, Patsuan. Why didn't your glasses stop Sadaharu from trying to have a go on it and smashing it into pieces?" Ginpachi drawled, eyes never once lifting up from the latest issue of Jump.

"What does this have got to do with my glasses? More like it's your strawberry parfait that causes everything, you bogus-teacher!" Shinpachi retorted.

"…That was low. You _do not_ insult strawberry parfait. That's like the number one rule of all bro codes, ya geddit?"

"Then lay off my glasses! We aren't even _'bro's_! Why do you have to speak in gangsta-slang anyway? It's traumatizing!"

Kagura rolled her eyes and pushed her unprescribed glasses up the bridge of her nose (what, she wants to look smart, is there a problem, mister?), observing the two males bickering away and blaming faults on inanimate objects. And they call her childish. _Puh-leeze_.

Her Papi and brother would finally take her seriously if they ever meet up with these two idiots.

It's been three months since the first day of school, and things have started to slowly settle down. Kagura rented a room (read: closet), and as it turns out, her high school homeroom teacher was her landlord. He claims that his teacher salary was too meager, but both Shinpachi and Kagura were well aware of the fact that all his money was spent all of it on his unhealthy lifestyle, meaning to say, Jump, strawberry parfait, strawberry milk and toilet rolls.

Kagura snorts, wondering how he even managed to get a teacher post in high school and escape the cruel clutches of diabetes for so long.

Speaking of Shinpachi, it was just by coincidence that he was the other tenant of the dingy little flat above Otose's Snacks. Kagura wasn't even aware that they went to the same school, much less the same class, till she spotted Shinpachi wearing a familiar schoolboy uniform one fine day.

As what a certain silver diabetic little bird had told her, Shinpachi had to find a new place to live since he and his sister were running dangerously low on cash, as they had some land disputes over their former household. Otae got herself accommodation at the current hostel she works at, and besides, what's a better place than Gintoki's humble little abode? Gintoki even pays Shinpachi some extra pocket money for doing his paperwork since he's such a lazy asstard.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand.

Sadaharu whined at his loss of having a go on Kagura's bicycle and sauntered off, not the least bit guilty that he had just destroyed his mistress's only form of transportation. Kagura frowned at the huge animal. _You're lucky you're cute and fluffy,_ she thinks_. Unlike Shinpachi's glasses_.

"Gin-chan," She wailed. "Bring me to school! I don't wanna walk!"

The '-sensei' honourific was lost while they were out of school, since the man usually reduces into something of a madao while lazing at home. This was an unspoken mutual agreement between the three of them.

The silver-haired man shrugged, returning to his manga. "Exercise is good for the mind, body and soul, Kagura. You don't want end up like that purple princely fat turd from the other class, do you?"

"Prince Hata," Shinpachi corrected politely, but no one heard him. No one ever does.

Kagura pouted. _Acting cute is the key to hooking up perverted old men,_ as wisely taught by Otae nee-san. It didn't seem to work on the silver-haired teacher though, who was still deeply concentrated on his Jump. Kagura turned towards Plan B: Whine.

"But you let Megane sit on your scooter!" She wailed, unsatisfied.

"Ah, but that's different, young one. Your Otae nee-san had made me swear on a horribly painful blood oath that I shall protect this kind and mature young man all the way up to his adulthood," Ginpachi explained slowly and surely, as though he was explaining Faraday's Law of Electromagnetic Induction to a nine year old. "Fuel needs money as well, kid. I'm not a taxi driver."

"I can sense your sarcasm like I can sense you imminent diabetes, Gin-san," Shinpachi said from a corner, but was once again ignored.

"That's not fair! I wanna sit on Gin-chan's scooter too! I don't wanna _walk_!" Kagura threw a nasty tantrum and swung her fist at Ginpachi, who, unfortunately, did not dodge on time. He was left groaning and clutching his nose pitifully, a steady flow of blood dripping down from his nostrils and splattering messily on his magazine.

"Kagura-chan, calm down!" Shinpachi soothed, being the mother (?) figure of the family (?). "You don't have to _walk_, you know. You can always take the bus."

"Yes, Kagura, calm the hell down." Ginpachi agreed, shoving tissues up his bloodied nose. "There's a bus stop just down the road; all you've got to do is board the 11 bus and get a free ride by threatening the driver."

"Gin-san, we common folk call that hijacking and terrorism."

Ginpachi thought for a moment.

"Or you could offer him Shinpachi's glasses, yes, that'll be good –"

"SHUT UP."

Once again, for the nth time that day, Kagura rolled her eyes at the two idiots in front of her, and walked out of the flat, towards the direction of the bus stop Ginpachi had mentioned.

* * *

Kagura officially hates taking the bus to school.

Right now, in front of her, stands that super-disgusting-fat-ugly-sukonbu Nazi Sadist and Kagura is _not pleased_.

She had recently found out that his name was actually 'Okita Sougo' and not 'Souichiro-kun', a fact in which Ginpachi-sensei is still blissfully unaware of. It had turned into a daily routine for the both of them to engage in fist-fights at anytime of the day during school hours for the past three months (to the horror of everyone at school), deeming him her arch nemesis after the Sukonbu Incident, and great! He just had to turn up now.

Brilliant timing, she snorts.

"Oh, China, what made you take the bus today? Did your bicycle break because of your bulging fats? Or was it the putrid stench of your favourite snack?" The Sadist jabbed at her upon noticing the vermillion-haired girl. Kagura glared at him before throwing a fist at Okita, who easily dodged the attack.

"I AM NOT FAT, YOU IDIOT! And thanks for asking, but no, it broke because it couldn't stand your crap face anymore, aru!" Kagura replied as she regained her composure, eyeing the sandy-haired boy in blatant distaste.

Bus 11 conveniently pulled up just as Okita was about to make a comeback at her remark, and Kagura stomped up the bus. It was moderately full, just enough space for people to maneuver carefully around the vehicle.

She was just about to jump onto a nearby unclaimed seat when she got rudely called back by the bus driver, attracting the attentions of everyone within the immediate vicinity of the bus.

"Hey, you! Girl with the orange buns! You didn't pay the trip fare!" The balding driver yelled at Kagura, spit flying everywhere, and Kagura cringed.

"I don't have any money, baldy. Shut up before I punch you."

"Sorry, deary, but I don't run a charity. Now get off my bus!" The driver spat, his face was slowly turning an unflattering shade of purple by the second (take that, Prince Hata!), doing nothing for his already ruined complexion, and Kagura wants to aim a kick at his family jewels so much right now.

_Well, here goes nothing, Gin-chan_, she sighed, and raised her fist to deliver a swift, jaw-crushing blow on the driver's face when something so extraordinary, so unexpected, something which even made Yamazaki (who was coincidentally taking the same bus) can't help but gasp loudly happens:

Okita brusquely grabbed her fist tightly and dropped some coins into the money box.

"Here, that's enough for the both of us," He said to the astonished driver (who probably feared for his life three seconds ago), pulling an equally stunned Kagura to the back of the vehicle behind him.

Kagura was so taken aback by the Sadist's actions that she followed the latter mindlessly, taking a whole minute to comprehend what had just happened (with the girly gasps and flails from a certain badminton player who now totally ships that pairing, serving as bgm).

"Wha – Stupid Sadist! What the hell was that for?" Kagura spluttered, having recovered from her initial shock. "I could have handled that baldy easily!"

"I don't want to be late for school," Okita replied nonchalantly, shrugging. "Kondo said he wouldn't put in a good word for me to the disciplinary committee if I were to be late for the fifth time this month, and you knocking the driver out cold would be a total waste of time for everyone."

"Tch," Kagura turned her head away, flustered. "Well, just so you know, you just wasted your money, 'cuz Gin-chan said I could get a free ride anyway if I beat up the driver."

Okita rolled his eyes. "Dumbass. Ginpachi-sensei is well-known for being a terrible example for kids like you," He sighed, and looked at her wearily. "Are you sure you're sixteen? You have the common sense of a nine year old instead."

"What are you trying to imply, Sadist?" Kagura bristled, highly offended, and was about to reach forward to smack him across the head when…

What? Why isn't her right hand moving? She glanced down, not ready for the sight that was just about to behold her.

Pink dusted across her cheeks as she realized that he was still holding onto her clenched fist tightly.

Kagura yelped, snatching her hand away from him (because boys have cooties and cooties are _gross_), a furious blush riding up to her cheeks and she _doesn't know why_. Okita merely shrugged, his signature smirk plastered onto his face.

"Afraid of cooties, China?" He taunted, leaning closer to her, and Kagura felt the uncontrollable urge to puke out the butterflies in her stomach all over his Superman t-shirt and immaculately polished shoes because her heart is beating _too quickly_. She squirmed under his nose.

"Whatever, Sadist," She chose to ignore him, and turned towards the other way, glaring at a dried-up piece of gum stuck onto the floor.

"Though, you owe me one now, China," Okita pulled up that adorable little-boy grin of his, effectively breaking the mood with his annoying words.

A vein throbbed as Kagura aimed a punch at the Sadist's stupid face, and her lips quirked into a minute smile as he dodged her attack easily.

"China, haven't your parents taught you that playing on public transport is an extremely irresponsible act?" Okita said impassively. "You almost hit that poor old lady with the grocery bags. That's bad karma."

"It was entirely your fault," Kagura scoffed. "Not mine, yup."

"No, China, it was definitely your fault, just like how Twilight being written and published is totally your fault."

"What is 'Twilight'? Is it delicious?"

"…Yeah. Right."

And after they got off the bus, Kagura realizes that it was the very first time they had actually held a somewhat-decent conversation with each other. She smiled to herself.

Maybe taking the bus to school isn't so bad after all.

* * *

**note:** I was so inspired, I completed this pretty quickly. And here you go, a longer chapter than the first, as promised. Thank goodness. I wanted to extend this chapter a little bit more, but I kind of got stuck somewhere along the bus ride, and I'm like, _meh_, maybe next time. Thanks to everyone who reviewed the first chapter, even though I honestly felt that it was crap. Hope you enjoyed it, and please review! They make me want to update more often, ehehe n_n


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** the seven incidents of  
**Author:** cherryshotgun  
**Pairing:** okikagu  
**Warnings:** some ooc :(  
**Word count:** 1168  
**Disclaimer:** no money no honey~

* * *

_**iii.**__ seats_

"Alright kiddos, since it's the start of a spanking new year, let's have a spanking new seat arrangement to celebrate the occasion, yeah?" Ginpachi-sensei announced, eyes scanning the assortment of students lazily. A collective groan resounded throughout the room.

"Otae-san! Even though this is goodbye, I'll still wait for you from the other end of this classroom!" Kondo yelled across the classroom dramatically, professing his undying love towards Shinpachi's sister.

Said sister gave him a cold smile. "Sure, Kondo-san. I hope you'll drop down from the classroom window while waiting."

"S-So cruel…!" Kondo weeped, and Hijikata patted the newly-appointed disciplinary committee president on the back grudgingly.

Shinpachi sighed and shook his head at the whole ordeal taking place. He pitied his sister for being stalked by a retarded Gorilla and having to deal with his highly annoying antics, but at the same time, also pitied said Gorilla for falling so hard for her. Really. Their current 'relationship' is the well-known stepping stone towards an unhealthy and abusive marriage – the one abused being Kondo, obviously.

He watched as vice-president Hijikata assure the heartbroken boy that there are plenty of other gorillas out there for him to choose from in the jungle, and Okita casually added that 'chimpanzees, orang utans and red-butt baboons can join in the fun as well'.

Speaking of Okita…

Shinpachi diverted his attention towards a certain azure-eyed girl in the class, frowning slightly.

Kagura seemed a little moody today, and that moodiness had increased tenfold after their homeroom teacher had reallocated the class' seating arrangements. Instead of her usual loud chattering and boisterous laughter, a meek silence replaced the lack of revelry, as Kagura merely sat at her new seat across the room and next to a window, gazing at a far-off distance. An elusive frown marred her features.

He noticed her letting out a feminine sigh – surely a first in her whole entire life thus far, Shinpachi noted – and rest her chin on her right palm.

Something was definitely wrong.

To say that Shinpachi is worried would be an understatement. The girl both he and Ginpachi had come to recognize as a 'little sister' and 'daughter' respectively would never let anything affect or upset her this way; she would simply eradicate the source of her issues with violence. That was the Kagura he was used to.

However, this current Kagura was acting like a _freaking lovesick high school girl_. Shinpachi could just smell the stench of that fatal illness wafting through the air thickly, and everyone knows that 'Kagura' and 'lovesick' being placed in the same sentence is wrong on so many levels. This new discovery is both disturbing and intriguing to the bespectacled boy.

Shinpachi vaguely wonders who the poor chap is, for he would eventually go broke from being responsible for Kagura's endless pit for a stomach.

…Right. Back to the point.

He should really go and ask the girl what's troubling her, although he is torn between being a good brother figure or saving his family jewels from their imminent doom if Kagura happened to be in a particularly lousy mood. He sighed. He didn't really have a choice, did he?

Just as he was about to get up and inquire on her moodiness, someone had beat him to it – Okita was standing in front of the girl's seat, smirk in place.

_I guess I don't really need to be there after all_, Shinpachi mused, observing the start of an interaction between the pair. Unless they start attempting to kill each other off _again_.

* * *

It wasn't that she _missed _sitting next to him or something as stupid as that! It's just –

Kagura frowned. Just what is it that she's feeling right now? Moths in her tummy…maybe Gin-chan added mothballs in her breakfast this morning in revenge for pouring strawberry milk all over his Jump issue… it's not like it's her fault anyway! That idiot of a man deserved what was coming to –

"Oi, China."

Oh, she does _not_ want to look up.

Okita rewarded her blatant ignorance with a kick to her desk, and Kagura growled in animosity at the cause of her current disposition.

"What do you want, Sadist?" She gritted out, glaring at the sandy-haired boy in front of her desk.

He shrugged, and to Kagura's great annoyance, he replied in a sing-song voice,

"Nuthin'."

She threw him a final glare, and slumped back on her desk, resting her chin on her folded arms and avoiding his piercing stare.

"Oi, China."

Silence.

"Oi, China."

Silence.

"Oi, bitch."

Glare. Smirk. Kagura averted her eyes once again, and ignored him. She heard him huff in annoyance, and finally, thank God, his fading footsteps. Kagura sighed. How she wished that these stupid moths in her hungry tummy would just go away and leave her alone.

However, her peace and quiet did not last long, as soon enough, she heard those familiar footsteps reaching closer to her auditory range once again. She frowned. Why couldn't he just leave her alone? Is it really that difficult?

"Oi, China."

"Just shut up and leave me alone, you stupid - !" Kagura snapped, slamming her fists on the table, when Okita shoved a rice ball in her wide open mouth, posed to deliver insults at the speed of a bullet train.

"MMmhhfffph?! _[translation: What in actual hell?!]_" Kagura struggled with the rice ball, tasting the delicious tuna flavour hidden in it. She chewed the delicious delicacy gingerly, glancing up at Okita in confusion.

"I could hear your stomach from across the classroom, you dipshit," Okita explained nonchalantly. "It was annoying as hell."

Kagura swallowed noisily, and scowled at him. "I don't need you to feed me like some pet, dumbass!"

"That's what you think, huh," Okita rolled his eyes, and called out to Ginpachi-sensei. "Oi, sensei, I think you should make her sit next to me again, or she'll probably bite someone's head off before lunch break."

"Yeah, sure," Ginpachi-sensei replied lazily, flipping through his magazine. "In fact, all of you should just sit back at your original positions. Happy April's Fools! Chop chop, we don't have all day, you headless chickens."

The rest of the class spluttered, disbelief suffocating the atmosphere.

"Sensei," Someone called out from the back of the class. "It's not April –"

Kagura aimed a kick at the student, silencing him immediately.

* * *

Shinpachi watched on with bemused interest. Kagura is definitely blind to what she's feeling right now, but definitely not Shinpachi. It was actually rather adorable, except for the fact that the two are actually bloodthirsty cannibals who –

"Patsuan, get me some strawberry milk," Ginpachi ordered, pointing a commanding finger at him.

"W-What! No! Get it yourself!" Shinpachi protested.

"Nah, you get it. You're too involved in other people's business, Megane,"

Shinpachi growled as he made his way towards the school vending machine, and as he grudgingly waited for the drink to pop out, realization swept over him like the abundant summer breeze.

"…I can't believe that lazy teacher figured them out as well."

* * *

**note:** I bet ya thought I died, din' cha?

(*whisper* _school has been a burden_)

Well, I wasn't exactly please with this chapter, but I tried my best…I guess :( I'm sorry for any errors in this chapter, because I rushed this out. This chapter was so difficult! Tell me what you think in the reviews section~! Life totally sucks right now because exams are like, what, in 7 weeks (D:) and I am… not prepared. Good God. I don't even have the time to catch with fanfic updates anymore T-T

I'm also really confused with the honourifics used (I'm a noob, y'see), so I'd really like to thank Aenid for clarifying stuff with the previous chapter :)

And to ElleinadOtaku0w0: Cooties are icky stuff that boys and girls carry around when they're young. LOL (it's make-believe)

See ya! (hopefully soon….?)


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